But I took all their clothes off and cut all of their hair off, almost to make them imperfect, since I couldn’t achieve perfection. I remember playing with Barbie dolls growing up and remembering how “perfect” they looked. Being upset that I had failed myself, society, and my friends, in that I wasn’t perfect. I forgot, because I was too wrapped up being upset about my imperfections. And I forgot to tell myself that it was okay to be who I was and that those imperfections made Ivy, Ivy. I forgot to tell myself that it was okay to not be okay. I forgot to tell myself that I laugh at weird times, but that sometimes it lightens the mood. I forgot to tell myself that I skip and trip over my words, but everyone does sometimes. I forgot to realize that my smile is beautiful and who cares if one eye squints more than the other. I would hate myself so much for my imperfections that I would just hide from who I was. And these things used to make me cringe and hide from myself. Okay, so I just rattled off a bunch of imperfections. Every day, I have to remind myself to keep fighting. Every day I have to do the work to remind myself of my worth and my growth. I say a lot of things and wish I hadn’t said them. But yet, still I end most of my work from home days with a headache. I know I get headaches when I don’t drink enough water. If someone is mad at me, I can’t make direct eye contact because I will just start cracking up. And I skip and trip over my words like crazy. But you might not catch on if you process slowly. But other times I don’t talk enough and hold in how I feel.
My one eye closes a bit more than the other when I smile and I spend too much time re-taking photos, trying to keep both eyes open.
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